I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
