i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
