This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
