So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
