have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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