It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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