Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
