I love black thongs
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
