Moan for me like Helen Keller
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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