I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
it was like eating out sand paper
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
