Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
