I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
