Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
