Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
So squirting runs in the family.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize