yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
