she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
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Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
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I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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