cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize