either way he was missing a nipple.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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