mondays should just be called national damage control day
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I think I sprained my soul last night
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
