SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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