4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
