Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
