Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
