I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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