that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
