Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
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