So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
