if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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