First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
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I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
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You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
All I want is dick and wine.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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