I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
