getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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