The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
