I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
