The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
