I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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