Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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