I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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