Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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