Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
