Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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