you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
