3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
