Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
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