I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
