I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
