Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
