I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
