i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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