it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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