This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
