I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
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Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
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All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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