do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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