I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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